Tell me the way from Ingwavuma (to tune of 'Is this the way to Amarillo')

Which are the most popular places in the world for tourists to visit? Paris? London? New York? But how popular are they in December/January? And what about a calculation based on their per capita size? Where would this put them in the list? The answer might be below Ingwavuma. Why?

In December and January, and during all the South African holidays, Ingwavuma receives a large number of visitors. This is not because it is en route to an enticing destination. Instead, almost all make the journey unwittingly. Having reached Ingwavuma, they embark on the same ritual - driving round trying to find a white person to help them. For they are lost.

At Christmas time lots of people in KZN get on the N2 and head for the beach. They turn on their Sat Navs and select their sand haven of choice. And then they sit back, drive and relax. Until they reach Ingwavuma. For their Sat Nav does not tell them that they need to go left at Bhambanana. In fact Bhambanana, a very small town, does not exist. (Spooky?) And most instead take the road right for 20 km. Hence our great influx of tourists. Drive out of Ingwavuma any day at this time of year and you will almost certainly see half a dozen big 4x4s inadvertently visiting the small, big ‘I’. (We now wave at them with great joy as they pass.)

This could of course all be stopped with one big signpost. But where would be the fun in that. And this is Africa. Sat Navs do not belong here! Rather than helping them to avoid visiting Ingwavuma, I’m more interested in how the place could make some revenue from these moneyed people. One idea could be to introduce a toll road (though making anyone to travel across the atrocious road between B and I and back again would be of dubious ethics). Another would be to set up a tourist information centre and shop. Granted the visitors would only want to know the answer to one question – ‘Where am I and how do I get to…?’ But they might at least have bought an ice cream. And why not sell some t-shirts here. The slogan could be ‘Paris, London, New York, Ingwavuma. I’ve completed the set’.

The number of inadvertent Ingwavuma visitors should fall dramatically this week as most return to work. While we will miss laughing at them, we are happy to have our favourite weekend destinations vacated. After a month mainly spent in Ingwavuma, we will be off again on Friday. Probably to white water raft in Swaziland. If so, we will be thinking of you Eimear.